I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
