Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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