yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
