He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
