I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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