my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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