ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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