god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
