I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
