I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
