And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
