Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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