When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
