I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
