thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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