I need help removing her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
