If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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