just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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