nut hugger
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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