I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
