awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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