I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
