Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
