I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
