He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
