areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
