That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
