I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
