I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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