not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
