I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
