right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
