my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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