he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
