wat bout pragnant strippers??
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
