I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
