I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
