Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
