Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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