I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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