what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
