i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
