Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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