I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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