I just cut my nipple shaving
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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