Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
