the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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