literally had 100 drinks last night.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
