My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
