I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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