you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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